Back and braver...
Hello again my sweet, underwhelming blog. Life threw a pretty nasty curveball my way; it left me heartbroken, lost, and spoon deep in many jars of Cookie Butter. The courage of Spring to reveal itself after a bitter, all-encompassing Winter has motivated me to also open my heart back up.
I know anyone reading this is thinking, "Okay Miss Drama, please just give us the tea that has left you MIA for the past 6 months..."
This past October, my parents zoomed me in to a family meeting to discuss their unexpected separation. My hands shake as I type this confession, as I have still have so much shame and sorrow built up inside me.
Family has always been the foundation of my identity (and it still will, stay positive coco!). My three younger sisters are at the core of my heart and life. Growing up with such brave, funny, smart, and caring friends beside me has shaped every aspect of my being; a blessing of a lifetime. *Insert my favorite sappy Disney quote from the iconic show Liv & Maddie "Sisters by chance, friends by choice"*
I always thought, and was told by everyone around me, that I had the perfect family. My parents raised good children who worked hard and spread kindness. Seeing our family unit change drastically scared the shit out of me and left me in shock.
Divorce is nasty, regardless of the specific circumstances or individual characters.
Experiencing divorce as an adult child is a cruel disorientation that has forced me to grieve all that once was. I understand love, sex, commitments, promises. My empathy is developed enough to understand and feel the pain my parents are both working through every minute of every hour of every day. My heart breaks when I think of the confusion and bravery required of my sisters back in Ohio.
I am slowly beginning to realize that this deep ache for what once was will never go away. Everyday I am learning how to live with what is, how to begin to open up to friends for support, and how to cherish the memories of what was.
Just because things have changed, it does not take away from the beautiful, foundational, joyful core of my childhood. Our last family Christmas is still valid. Our last family vacation is still valid. Our last family dinner is still valid.
The tears are a-flowing here at the coffee shop as I type this (not unusual for a girl lol) so I will leave it here for now...
I will continue to push forward. I will continue to build new traditions. I will continue to re-open myself.
I am lucky to have experienced something so beautiful to grieve.
a girl who will continue healing,
coco
